Thank you, Kwikspell!
by jaderook
Summary: Fred and George write an advertisement for Kwikspell-complete with testimonials. COMPLETE


KWIKSPELL

Correspondence Courses

"Kwikspell is an all-new, fail-safe, quick-result, easy-learn course. Hundreds of witches and wizards have benefited from the Kwikspell method!"

_Try our world-famous "A Correspondence Course in Beginners' Magic" or choose from one of our other courses, such as:_

_Potions_

_Transfiguration_

_Charms_

_Cursing and Hexing for Fun_

_Making the Most of Being a Squib_

_Earn Your Apparition License_

_Earn Your OWLs_

_And many, many more!_

_Now, you can join Kwikspell's new Book-of-The-Month Club! Choose from our endless selection of scintillating titles. Sign-up today and receive a 'Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes' starter kit for free!_

_The following are testimonials from just a few of our satisfied customers: _

**Neville Longbottom of Hogwarts writes: ** I could barely brew a potion without exploding a cauldron. But thanks to Kwikspell's _Practically Painless_ _Potions for Panic-stricken Paroniacs_, I'm now able to at least warn everyone to duck and cover. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Argus Filch of Hogwarts writes:** I was tired of constantly mopping floors and cleaning up after students. Then, I discovered Kwikspell's course on _Maintaining_ _Magical Muggle Machinery_. Now, I have my own magical Hoover and life is much easier. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Percy Wetherby of London writes:** My cauldron bottom thickness position at the Ministry was getting me nowhere. Not even the book, _Prefects Who Gained Power_ could help. Then, I discovered Kwikspell's book, _Previous Prefects Who Were Pompous Prigs_, and it changed my life. I've now been promoted to a position on the Minster of Magic's staff. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**S. Snape of Hogwarts writes:** I was a miserable git with greasy hair. However, I was introduced to Kwikspell's list of _Helpful Herbals for Hopelessly Horrid Hair_, and now I'm just a miserable git. My hair has never looked better. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Draco Malfoy of Hogwarts writes:** I was once turned into a bouncing ferret. Now thanks to Kwikspell's course, _Titillating Transfiguration Techniques for Intolerable Toads_, I'm now able to relive the experience as often as I like. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Marcus Flint of Hogwarts writes:** I had to do a year over at school. Every time people would see me I would hear words such as 'sad' and 'pathetic' thrown my way. Professor Snape even said that there was no hope for me outside Quidditch, and even then, the _Chudley Cannons_ wouldn't take me and they're the worst team in the league. The Dark Lord told me that he didn't want someone who'd been held back in school as a Death Eater, as that wasn't the type of image he wanted to convey to the world. "Extreme evilness only," he said. My life had no direction. After receiving Kwikspell's "_A Correspondence Course in_ _Beginner's Magic_," I've since realized my dream of becoming a caretaker, just like my mentor Argus Filch. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Gilderoy Lockhart (Five-time winner of **_**Witch Weekly's **_**Most Charming Smile Award) of St. Mungo's writes**: I can't remember why I needed Kwikspell, but the nurses all assure me that you've helped me tremendously with my joined-up writing. Now I have plenty of time to sign all of these pictures of this stunningly handsome wizard that I seem to have a lot of lying about. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**M. McGonagall of Hogwarts writes:** Transfiguring into my animagus form was becoming a nightmare as Filch's cat Mrs. Norris would, well, I'm just not going to go into details. Then I discovered Kwikspell's _How to Kindly Knock Off Obnoxious Kneazles._ The advice therein was indispensable. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Hermione Granger of Hogwarts writes:** Studying for the NEWTs had become a harrowing experience, especially considering I wasn't allowed to keep my time-turner. I just couldn't keep up my usual eight-hour study schedule. Ever since I've read Kwikspell's _Super Study Skills for Show-Off Swots_, my life has changed for the better. Let's just say that I'm clever enough to have a solid alibi for that missing time-turner incident that made it into _The Daily Prophet_ recently and leave it at that. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Lucius Malfoy of Azkaban writes:** Life had been dreadfully dull just sitting in Azkaban, what with no Muggle baiting, trying to kill people, continuing to follow Voldemort as a Death Eater, and spending vast amounts of galleons from my enormous bank account to occupy my time. Kwikspell's _Jinxing Journals for Joviality_ has proved a most pleasant diversion indeed. Thank _you, _Kwikspell!

**Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle of Hogwarts both write**: Um…Hey, Draco, what is Kwikspell anyway? Huh?

**Harry Potter of Hogwarts writes:** Every year there's been a plot to kill me. This year I found Kwikspell's course on, _So You Want To Vanquish Voldemort?_ I don't know if it will help, but at least I now have plenty of material to use in Divination for predicting my demise. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Sibyll Trelawney of Hogwarts writes:** My inner eye was temporarily clouded. However, with Kwikspell's _Divining Dreadfully Dull Deaths: How To Discomfit Them,_ I am now able to ensure that I only see the most horrible deaths imaginable for the futures of all of my students. With that and an endless supply of extraordinarily expensive sherry, how can I go wrong? Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Blaise Zabini of Hogwarts writes:** People have always had trouble determining my gender. You can imagine the problems it caused every year when dormitory assignments were decided. It was enough already! I finally grew tired of it and used Kwikspell's _Sexually Smutty and Fun Diversions for Super, Sexy, Smug, Slytherins._ I've now realized that boy or girl, I'm positively gorgeous and everyone wants me. Thank you, Kwikspell!

**Ron Weasley of Hogwarts writes:** I have a fear of spiders. Kwikspell's _Appease Your Arachnophobia Or Become An Appealing Appetizer, _unfortunately, has not helped in the slightest. Really, I think it just made things worse. Thank you, but _no_ thank you, Kwikspell!

_Kwikspell: Look for the large, glossy, purple envelope with silver lettering on the front!_

"Gred."

"Yes, Forge?"

"Seen _The Daily Prophet_ this morning?"

"Oh, indeed I have, Gred. Indeed I have."

"It was one of my more capital business ideas, I must say."

"Quite clever of you, Gred. Really. A merger with Kwikspell. Very clever."

"Say Forge, how long do you expect it will take for us to hear from our testimonial participants?"

"That depends on how many bother to read advertisements, dear brother."

"Kind of hard to miss a full, front page advert wouldn't you say?"

"Yes, I'd rather say it would be, Gred. I'd rather say it would be."

**Author's Note: **This is an older fanfic of mine. Yes, I always figured Blaise to be a boy, as every Blaise I've ever heard of has been male. However, as it is not a common name in America, and many fics with Blaise are written by the clueless, I had to put in the gender identity crisis for kicks. Blaise is also black, folks- not Italian. Anyway, please read and review.


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